[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I unironically love this joke.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)