After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you