My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
So that’s what we looked like?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules