Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Planet of the Apps.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to