“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“you changed” bro i was 15
this is the news I live for
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.