I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me, reading some of your tweets
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.