What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You Might Also Like
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.