Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy