Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.