Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.