ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.