I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
😆this is so true
first you must answer his riddles
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.