Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa