Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.