“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Why I divorced her.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?