I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head