put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Still a very good boi….
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.