I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Why font matters.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason