Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
RT if you could go either way.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home