[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that