[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’m having an out of money experience.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I like long walks away from everyone