Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.