[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation