Great acting.. 😂
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does