Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My life coach traded me.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option