I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
i think we should see other cousins
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When I can’t barge, I careen.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.