Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Personal question. #JustSaying
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so