My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.