What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask