This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“What movie?” 🤔
#damn
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Cardio Made Easy
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.