Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My safe word is Worcestershire
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
i was baptized in a car wash
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
#SCOTUS one-star review