Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Pass gas, not judgment.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!