I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.