If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
A tragic love story in two pictures.