Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
🙂🙃🥹
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.