Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
You Might Also Like
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Tastes like chicken.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers