you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Effort made
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.