Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
#ParentingFacts
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Great acting.. 😂
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.