Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Dolls on drugs
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.