If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Forever 21… pounds overweight
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.