Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.