Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You Might Also Like
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet