Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now