-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”