My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.