ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap