Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday