I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I saw this ending much differently.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.