Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
meow
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
But I really needed water water water
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m putting together a team
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)