My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
You Might Also Like
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.